How To Successfully Navigate Your Open Relationship
You’ve just learned that the couple next door are swingers, which has you really curious, It's completely natural to feel curious or intrigued by the idea of swinging, especially if it's something you've never explored before. However, before diving into the lifestyle, there are indeed some important things to consider What is an alternative relationship? An alternative relationship is any relationship that goes against the norm of monogamy. Consensual non-monogamy, swinging, and polyamory, are all examples of alternative relationships. If you and your partner are interested in opening your relationship, let’s consider what this means.
An open relationship can include all forms of non-monogamy. It may include threesomes with both partners present. Sometimes polyamory is part of the mix where partners engage in emotional and sexual relationships. Others may explore their fetish or kink with other people but only have vanilla sex with their partner. Compersion, or feeling joy from your partner's connections with others, can indeed be a significant aspect for some individuals in open relationships. An open relationship can be many things, but it must work for both partners.
Here are some key aspects and variations of non-monogamy:
Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM): This umbrella term encompasses various forms of non-monogamous relationships where all partners agree to the arrangement. CNM includes practices like polyamory, swinging, open relationships, and relationship anarchy.
Polyamory: Polyamory involves having multiple romantic relationships with the consent of everyone involved. It is based on the idea that love and emotional connections can exist and flourish in multiple concurrent relationships. Communication, honesty, and transparency are foundational to polyamorous relationships.
Open Relationships: In an open relationship, partners agree to engage in sexual relationships with others while maintaining their primary relationship. The boundaries and rules can vary widely, from casual sexual encounters to more emotionally involved connections.
Swinging: Swinging typically refers to couples who engage in sexual activities with others as a recreational or social activity. Swingers often participate in group sex or partner swapping, commonly in designated clubs or private gatherings.
Relationship Anarchy: Relationship anarchy challenges traditional relationship hierarchies and norms. It prioritizes individual autonomy and freedom in forming and defining relationships, often without formal labels or predefined expectations.
Compersion: A term often used in non-monogamous relationships, compersion refers to experiencing joy or happiness when one's partner experiences happiness or pleasure with others. It contrasts with jealousy and is seen as a positive emotion within consensually non-monogamous dynamics.
Entering into an open relationship can be a significant decision, and there are several key things to consider before embarking on this journey:
Communication is Key: Open and honest communication is crucial in any relationship, but even more so in an open one. Discuss your motivations, boundaries, and expectations openly with your partner(s). Make sure everyone involved understands each other's needs and feelings.
Establish Boundaries: Determine what is and isn't acceptable within the parameters of your open relationship. This might include rules about safer sex practices, emotional connections with others, frequency of communication, etc. Before taking this step, both partners must communicate their expectations, limits, and desires openly. Be prepared to revisit and renegotiate these boundaries as your relationship evolves. Lack of boundaries can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and trust violations.
Jealousy and Insecurity: Jealousy is a normal human emotion, but it can become toxic if not properly addressed within the relationship. If you or your partner already struggle with jealousy, opening your relationship might complicate these feelings. It’s essential to have open and honest conversations about jealousy, establish boundaries, and work on building trust before considering an open relationship. Developing coping strategies and practicing self-awareness can help navigate these emotions.
Trust and Respect: Trust and respect are the foundation of any healthy relationship, including open ones. Trust that your partner(s) will honor the agreements that you've worked hard to create, and respect their autonomy in pursuing connections with others.
Time Management: Opening your relationship and balancing multiple relationships can be challenging, especially if you have other commitments like work, family, or hobbies. Be mindful of how you allocate your time and make sure to prioritize quality time with each partner.
Social Stigma and Support: Understand that not everyone will understand or approve of your choice to be in an open relationship. Be prepared to deal with societal judgment and seek support from like-minded individuals or communities who can offer understanding and guidance.
Self-Reflection: Regularly check in with yourself to ensure that you're comfortable with the dynamics of your open relationship. Be honest about your needs and boundaries, and don't be afraid to reassess or step back if the situation no longer feels right for you. Encourage your partner to do the same.
Feeling Pressured: It’s a bad idea to embark on an open relationship because you feel pressured by friends or other couples This may not be something that you or your partner need and can lead to resentment and misery.
Schedule Regular Check-ins: How are we doing? What’s working and what’s not working since we’ve opened our relationship? Bring honesty, focus, and problem-solving skills to the table during these discussions. Regular check-ins offer you both a safe space to process your feelings and emotions and make any changes to negotiated boundaries.
Safe Sex: It’s easy to get lost in the moment, but practicing safe sex is a must! Discuss what this looks like and be prepared with everything you need to protect yourself and your partners.
Relationship Problems: Work on your primary relationship first. If you have pre-existing relationship challenges, opening your relationship can be a recipe for disaster. If a lack of emotional fulfillment within the partnership causes you to seek validation, care, and happiness outside your relationship, this needs to be addressed first with your primary partner. Complicating your relationship with other people will not fix unresolved issues. Work with a relationship or marriage counselor to resolve intimacy and relationship issues first before you open your relationship.
Nurture Your Primary Relationship: Recognize that maintaining multiple relationships requires emotional work. Be prepared to invest time and energy into nurturing your primary relationship.
Remember that open relationships come in many different forms, and there's no one-size-fits-all approach. What works for one couple may not work for another. Take the time to explore what feels right for you and your partner(s), and be prepared to adapt and evolve as your relationship progresses.
Opening a relationship can be a positive and enriching experience when approached with genuine communication, trust, and mutual understanding. It’s essential to assess your motivations honestly, communicate openly with your partner, and address any existing issues before embarking on this journey. Remember, a strong and healthy relationship is built on love, trust, and respect for each other’s feelings and boundaries. Seek out communities or resources that support non-monogamous relationships, where you can find understanding, guidance, and advice from others who have similar experiences. Having a supportive network can be invaluable as you navigate the complexities of open relationships.
About Holistic Psychotherapy & Wellness Manhattan
Kimberly Seelbrede, LCSW is a New York State licensed Psychotherapist, EMDR Practitioner and Couple Therapist with a private practice in New York City, Montana and virtually. As a wellness psychotherapist and holistic consultant, she has received advanced, extensive training in Trauma Therapy, Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Somatic Experiencing (SE), and Nutrition & Integrative Medicine For Mental Health. She is passionate about honoring the exquisite interplay of the mind-body connection. Kimberly Seelbrede specializes in anxiety & mood disorders, trauma and women’s mental health. She brings over 20 years of counseling, coaching, and healing experience to her holistic practice and transformational work.
In addition to online therapy for anxiety, depression, trauma and relationship struggles, Holistic Psychotherapy & Wellness offers a wide variety of online services to fit the needs of busy professionals. New Yorkers often lead fast-paced and complex lives, which makes work-life balance and managing career, family and social obligations a challenge. Psychotherapy and wellness practices provides the support to help clients cultivate resources, resilience and enhanced emotional health, as well as uncover conflicts and obstacles that may interfere with having the life they desire.